Taking a very big breath, I exhale as my fingers being to write this. Being told not to write this because it's very private, IS the reason I am writing this. This is something that isn't talked about enough....
Post Partum depression or as I like to call it...EXTREME MIND F!@#. I wasn't "zoloft" depressed, but I wasn't happy. And being the person I am, pretending everything is ok is something I do. Through my years of being "ON" I always try to put on a happy face and move foward. But I didn't have that feeling of being down or not wanting to do anything (nor would I have the time), I didn't want to hurt my baby. I call it PMSing to the 10th power. It's almost difficult to describe it but I will, because this is not only good for me to talk about, but I know someone will read this and feel supported in their own mind f@#!.
Lack of sleep, yes we're all irrational when we are running on no sleep nor food. Which is what I thought at first, I'm just tired, this is why I feel this way. But it was so difficult to move passed the feeling that I wanted nothing to do with my baby, but at the same time want to hold her more than anything. She was actually so colicky her piercing screams were intense and holding her and keeping her close was the thing that helped the most. I thought after a few short weeks things would go back to normal, but nope not at all. My feelings went on until the baby was about 5 months, and now I still struggle with minor set backs but nothing too bad. What did I feel?...
I never physically hurt my baby, but I wanted to punch my husband in the face. I wanted my baby to be quiet and stop her screaming, my rocking, shushing, my breast, her binky, nothing would calm her most of the nights, I wanted to just jump out the window. I literally wanted to run my head through the window of my third story home and just silence it all. Gently rocking her sometimes became swinging the baby side to side in my arms, and if she wouldn't calm down I would put her on the floor and I'd throw myself right next to her and start bawling. The 5 S's of Happiest baby on the block didn't work....Another night I placed her in her crib (she was screaming) and I threw myself on the steps of my stairs and cried like I've never cried before. Fine I hear many women do this, but the thoughts of wanting to punch my husband, kick my dog, run my head through a wall was intense. I was a mad woman. My baby kept me happy, and upset all in one.
My husband sometimes would catch-on and see me in emotional pain, which would be great since I'm a highly functional person and from the outside people don't realize whats going on in the inside. I wasn't verbal about my feelings, I didn't make it clear, I'm also a sarcastic b*tch by nature so it's easy to chalk it up to that. But it was tough.
My mind at night would race, as I told myself, "I'm such a loser, I have nothing going for myself, I have no future now..." then as I drift off, baby cries...and this cycle went on day in day out. I felt empty. I was also losing my mind, literally, I couldn't remember how to do simple things and I'd forget everything.
Things straightened out for me more around when the baby was about 10 months old...Crazy almost a year with this weirdness inside of me. I tried just focusing on positive thoughts and in The Lord. I'd pray a lot and it would help. Once I finally started sleeping through the night (the baby as well) things started to get better. Sleep is so important for our minds and body.
***I wrote this post to bring awareness, even for partners that don't understand what is happening to their baby mommas. This was written a year ago and NOW is when I published it, because I feel comfortable about it....It's a crazy situation and I hope my story brings insight to another. *** (baby is now a year and a half)
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Love you!! Thank you for sharing your story. It's horrible that any form of mental health even temporary ones are so taboo to speak about. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteLissette. I had the same experience with my first child. It is the worst feeling. But only our strength and our faith in God gets us out of this. In my time they would think we are having mental issue. But this is something that happens to alot of women after giving birth. Hurray for speaking out. Many blessings to your beautiful family.
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