Post Partum Depression

WARNING: Reader discretion is advised.


Taking a very big breath, I exhale as my fingers being to write this. Being told not to write this because it's very private, IS the reason I am writing this. This is something that isn't talked about enough....

Post Partum depression or as I like to call it...EXTREME MIND F!@#.  I wasn't "zoloft" depressed, but I wasn't happy. And being the person I am, pretending everything is ok is something I do. Through my years of being "ON" I always try to put on a happy face and move foward. But I didn't have that feeling of being down or not wanting to do anything (nor would I have the time), I didn't want to hurt my baby. I call it PMSing to the 10th power. It's almost difficult to describe it but I will, because this is not only good for me to talk about, but I know someone will read this and feel supported in their own mind f@#!.

Lack of sleep, yes we're all irrational when we are running on no sleep nor food. Which is what I thought at first, I'm just tired, this is why I feel this way. But it was so difficult to move passed the feeling that I wanted nothing to do with my baby, but at the same time want to hold her more than anything. She was actually so colicky her piercing screams were intense and holding her and keeping her close was the thing that helped the most. I thought after a few short weeks things would go back to normal, but nope not at all. My feelings went on until the baby was about 5 months, and now I still struggle with minor set backs but nothing too bad. What did I feel?...

I never physically hurt my baby, but I wanted to punch my husband in the face. I wanted my baby to be quiet and stop her screaming, my rocking, shushing, my breast, her binky, nothing would calm her most of the nights, I wanted to just jump out the window. I literally wanted to run my head through the window of my third story home and just silence it all. Gently rocking her sometimes became swinging the baby side to side in my arms, and if she wouldn't calm down I would put her on the floor and I'd throw myself right next to her and start bawling. The 5 S's of Happiest baby on the block didn't work....Another night I placed her in her crib (she was screaming) and I threw myself on the steps of my stairs and cried like I've never cried before. Fine I hear many women do this, but the thoughts of wanting to punch my husband, kick my dog, run my head through a wall was intense. I was a mad woman. My baby kept me happy, and upset all in one. 

My husband sometimes would catch-on and see me in emotional pain, which would be great since I'm a highly functional person and from the outside people don't realize whats going on in the inside. I wasn't verbal about my feelings, I didn't make it clear, I'm also a sarcastic b*tch by nature so it's easy to chalk it up to that. But it was tough.

My mind at night would race, as I told myself,  "I'm such a loser, I have nothing going for myself, I have no future now..." then as I drift off, baby cries...and this cycle went on day in day out. I felt empty. I was also losing my mind, literally, I couldn't remember how to do simple things and I'd forget everything. 

My biggest problem with this is other women in my life pretending this didn't happen to them or just not speaking about it. Granted maybe it wasn't as deep as I had it, but every woman after child birth is extremely hormonal, EXTREMELY, don't pretend like it didn't happen. Not a single person close to me told me about their symptoms or anything they've experienced that resembled me, but yet every stranger mom I would talk to do did...WHAT?! Am I the effin weird one in my family??? How does that happening! Sometimes you connect more with strangers than you do with your own family. I also think breastfeeding has something to do with this.

Things straightened out for me more around when the baby was about 10 months old...Crazy almost a year with this weirdness inside of me. I tried just focusing on positive thoughts and in The Lord. I'd pray a lot and it would help. Once I finally started sleeping through the night (the baby as well) things started to get better. Sleep is so important for our minds and body.

***I wrote this post to bring awareness, even for partners that don't understand what is happening to their baby mommas. This was written a year ago and NOW is when I published it, because I feel comfortable about it....It's a crazy situation and I hope my story brings insight to another. *** (baby is now a year and a half)

https://www.flickr.com/photos/131645143@N08/shares/2C67S6

Part 3

Here she comes....

So now the epidural has sort of worn off, I can feel my contractions and even though it's not 100% pain, it still felt like my hip was going to break. Yes, it felt like my legs were going to fall off my hips but I refused to push the button for more juice aka epidural.  It was sort of a control thing, I wanted to know when my contractions were coming and not rely on the nurse telling me. So the doc is now in, her crew is in, the NICU was in. To be honest it was a bit overwhelming all these people in there just staring at my vagina waiting for Angelina to make her debut.

Now I am actively pushing and let me tell you it's the toughest work-out ever! Think of the time you worked out so hard your entire body was shaking so you stopped to rest, only this time there is no time to rest. I can describe it as doing an abs workout and continuing past your threshold where it burns beyond relief. I was sweating bullets, and flexing every muscle in my body. Every single one, from my face to my toes, everything was flexed. It was so intense I felt like I ran a marathon after it was all over. The doc was telling me to push, hold my breath and PUSH! I could barely hold and push for the full 10 seconds at this point, and I thought I was in shape.

I'm pushing, and deep breath, and push and deep breath...Then I hear,"I can see her hair!" and my mom of course is screaming as she has her camera phone all up in there. Yeah ALL UP IN THERE front and center. I haven't even seen THAT video at all, I don't want to. The things that happen to you down there NO ONE should ever witness. My mom has been a nurse for 30 years now and did her time in maternity, you'd think she'd be used to this, but no, when it's your own you get nervous and forget all your medical training. I keep pushing...but wait I'm in waaaaaaay too much pain! The doc tells me I'm in the ring of fire and I responded with "I know give me a second....'i turn and push the button' Oh thank GOD, more juice and all the pain went away.

By this point, I don't know what time it is. All I know that at 10:44am, it was all over.  Doc says I have about one good push and it'll all be over, just have to pass this ring of fire...Ring of Fire= the widest point the vagina will open and the head is right there stretching. When I was preparing for birth, someone told me to simulate the ring of fire you open your mouth and with your hands pull your mouth open even wider and when you can't pull apart anymore keep going...yeah...I have to pass this point and then her head is out and then the doc does the rest. Here I go....one big push.....1, 2, 3, 4, 5, ...I lost my grip...Lost my breath and lost my flex....baby was pulled back in the birth canal. FUHHHHHH....I just couldn't hold it, I couldn't push anymore.

The doc looked at me seriously, like a coach on the sidelines telling his team this is it, Hail Mary for the win...She said, "Lissette listen to me, take a deep breath and push with all you've got, this is it, Get Mad!". I just nodded and took a deep breath and gave it all I had. I'm sweating, I have pulled that damn starchy hospital gown off, I've drank about 2 gallons of water...we're doing this!

So I debated whether to post the actual video of the moment...well here you go. It's PG so nothing to worry about, there's worse on Youtube. lol