Post Partum Depression

WARNING: Reader discretion is advised.


Taking a very big breath, I exhale as my fingers being to write this. Being told not to write this because it's very private, IS the reason I am writing this. This is something that isn't talked about enough....

Post Partum depression or as I like to call it...EXTREME MIND F!@#.  I wasn't "zoloft" depressed, but I wasn't happy. And being the person I am, pretending everything is ok is something I do. Through my years of being "ON" I always try to put on a happy face and move foward. But I didn't have that feeling of being down or not wanting to do anything (nor would I have the time), I didn't want to hurt my baby. I call it PMSing to the 10th power. It's almost difficult to describe it but I will, because this is not only good for me to talk about, but I know someone will read this and feel supported in their own mind f@#!.

Lack of sleep, yes we're all irrational when we are running on no sleep nor food. Which is what I thought at first, I'm just tired, this is why I feel this way. But it was so difficult to move passed the feeling that I wanted nothing to do with my baby, but at the same time want to hold her more than anything. She was actually so colicky her piercing screams were intense and holding her and keeping her close was the thing that helped the most. I thought after a few short weeks things would go back to normal, but nope not at all. My feelings went on until the baby was about 5 months, and now I still struggle with minor set backs but nothing too bad. What did I feel?...

I never physically hurt my baby, but I wanted to punch my husband in the face. I wanted my baby to be quiet and stop her screaming, my rocking, shushing, my breast, her binky, nothing would calm her most of the nights, I wanted to just jump out the window. I literally wanted to run my head through the window of my third story home and just silence it all. Gently rocking her sometimes became swinging the baby side to side in my arms, and if she wouldn't calm down I would put her on the floor and I'd throw myself right next to her and start bawling. The 5 S's of Happiest baby on the block didn't work....Another night I placed her in her crib (she was screaming) and I threw myself on the steps of my stairs and cried like I've never cried before. Fine I hear many women do this, but the thoughts of wanting to punch my husband, kick my dog, run my head through a wall was intense. I was a mad woman. My baby kept me happy, and upset all in one. 

My husband sometimes would catch-on and see me in emotional pain, which would be great since I'm a highly functional person and from the outside people don't realize whats going on in the inside. I wasn't verbal about my feelings, I didn't make it clear, I'm also a sarcastic b*tch by nature so it's easy to chalk it up to that. But it was tough.

My mind at night would race, as I told myself,  "I'm such a loser, I have nothing going for myself, I have no future now..." then as I drift off, baby cries...and this cycle went on day in day out. I felt empty. I was also losing my mind, literally, I couldn't remember how to do simple things and I'd forget everything. 

My biggest problem with this is other women in my life pretending this didn't happen to them or just not speaking about it. Granted maybe it wasn't as deep as I had it, but every woman after child birth is extremely hormonal, EXTREMELY, don't pretend like it didn't happen. Not a single person close to me told me about their symptoms or anything they've experienced that resembled me, but yet every stranger mom I would talk to do did...WHAT?! Am I the effin weird one in my family??? How does that happening! Sometimes you connect more with strangers than you do with your own family. I also think breastfeeding has something to do with this.

Things straightened out for me more around when the baby was about 10 months old...Crazy almost a year with this weirdness inside of me. I tried just focusing on positive thoughts and in The Lord. I'd pray a lot and it would help. Once I finally started sleeping through the night (the baby as well) things started to get better. Sleep is so important for our minds and body.

***I wrote this post to bring awareness, even for partners that don't understand what is happening to their baby mommas. This was written a year ago and NOW is when I published it, because I feel comfortable about it....It's a crazy situation and I hope my story brings insight to another. *** (baby is now a year and a half)

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Part 3

Here she comes....

So now the epidural has sort of worn off, I can feel my contractions and even though it's not 100% pain, it still felt like my hip was going to break. Yes, it felt like my legs were going to fall off my hips but I refused to push the button for more juice aka epidural.  It was sort of a control thing, I wanted to know when my contractions were coming and not rely on the nurse telling me. So the doc is now in, her crew is in, the NICU was in. To be honest it was a bit overwhelming all these people in there just staring at my vagina waiting for Angelina to make her debut.

Now I am actively pushing and let me tell you it's the toughest work-out ever! Think of the time you worked out so hard your entire body was shaking so you stopped to rest, only this time there is no time to rest. I can describe it as doing an abs workout and continuing past your threshold where it burns beyond relief. I was sweating bullets, and flexing every muscle in my body. Every single one, from my face to my toes, everything was flexed. It was so intense I felt like I ran a marathon after it was all over. The doc was telling me to push, hold my breath and PUSH! I could barely hold and push for the full 10 seconds at this point, and I thought I was in shape.

I'm pushing, and deep breath, and push and deep breath...Then I hear,"I can see her hair!" and my mom of course is screaming as she has her camera phone all up in there. Yeah ALL UP IN THERE front and center. I haven't even seen THAT video at all, I don't want to. The things that happen to you down there NO ONE should ever witness. My mom has been a nurse for 30 years now and did her time in maternity, you'd think she'd be used to this, but no, when it's your own you get nervous and forget all your medical training. I keep pushing...but wait I'm in waaaaaaay too much pain! The doc tells me I'm in the ring of fire and I responded with "I know give me a second....'i turn and push the button' Oh thank GOD, more juice and all the pain went away.

By this point, I don't know what time it is. All I know that at 10:44am, it was all over.  Doc says I have about one good push and it'll all be over, just have to pass this ring of fire...Ring of Fire= the widest point the vagina will open and the head is right there stretching. When I was preparing for birth, someone told me to simulate the ring of fire you open your mouth and with your hands pull your mouth open even wider and when you can't pull apart anymore keep going...yeah...I have to pass this point and then her head is out and then the doc does the rest. Here I go....one big push.....1, 2, 3, 4, 5, ...I lost my grip...Lost my breath and lost my flex....baby was pulled back in the birth canal. FUHHHHHH....I just couldn't hold it, I couldn't push anymore.

The doc looked at me seriously, like a coach on the sidelines telling his team this is it, Hail Mary for the win...She said, "Lissette listen to me, take a deep breath and push with all you've got, this is it, Get Mad!". I just nodded and took a deep breath and gave it all I had. I'm sweating, I have pulled that damn starchy hospital gown off, I've drank about 2 gallons of water...we're doing this!

So I debated whether to post the actual video of the moment...well here you go. It's PG so nothing to worry about, there's worse on Youtube. lol

The Epidural arrives...

I walked from the triage to my room, you know, grabbing the walls and hand rails along the way every two steps as a contraction came on and had me bending over grinding my teeth and squeezing something.

I must say when the doctor arrived I was elated! I was in so much pain I couldn't bare to even stand anymore. Of course standing still wasn't comfortable nor laying down, but I do know I couldn't "breath" away my pain or relax (or hypnotize myself). If you recall an earlier post of mine, I wanted to go natural, but there was no way I could NOT not  feel those contractions and the pain they were causing. Like Freddy Kruger grabbing my womb. My eyesight looked like everything had a tint of green over it, like my eyes had a Green filter. Similar to a movie, nothing seemed real right now. My body was shivering, and I still had to go to the bathroom...When I looked in the mirror at this point I looked like Emily Rose...

So I was really excited to get that damn epidural. Not going to lie. 

Once it was inserted it was immediate relief! Everything went away, and the colors in the room changed. From that ugly green filter to just bright colors. wow! It's amazing when you're having contractions and you don't know they're there!

So now...after the epi is done, then you aren't allowed to walk. Yes, there is the walking epi but you still feel pain, I wanted 100% pain relief! Now I lay there and they hook me up to the monitors. One for the baby's heart beat, one for contractions, blood pressure monitor, and a catheter. At this point I'm 6cm dilated, I was really hoping it was more, BUT I didn't think I had dilated so much since checking in. It had been three hours, and I'm only 4cm away from pushing! But we continue to wait... The nurse informs us my doc arrives to the hospital at 10am and at THAT time they'll check me again to see how far along I am. I lay there and relax my mind (now that I can finally relax) and visualize my cervix dilating, my body relaxing and bringing the baby closer to her exit.  

So let me reiterate, it's about 8:30 and I wasn't going to be checked until 10am. Well My doc arrived at 9:00am and her face said it all, "Oh my goodness YOU'RE 10CM, we're ready to push. You barely waited for me". Now comes the rush of the medical staff! Everyone piles in and starts setting up for baby. Remember my meconium, the NICU is also present in the room just in case the baby needs more medical attention because of it. 

We pray for a quick deliver once we got the green light.

Once everyone sets up, the nurse gets me ready to start pushing at about 10:05am, Just a simple push to get me going. I had no idea if I was pushing or not, the epidural had me completely numb. I even asked the nurse if I actually pushed, I couldn't tell.  The pushing was for 10 seconds for three rounds, and then rest and wait for the next contraction. So here we are, Jason counting me down from 10, the nurse looking at the monitors, and everyone else setting up for baby Martinez's arrival. This part usually takes a while, especially for a woman's first baby. 

Well at 10:20am the nurse freaked out and told me to QUICKLY STOP PUSHING, because the baby was about to come and the doc wasn't in the room! Again, they didn't expect THAT to happen so quickly. Well at this point the epidural had worn off a little and I could feel the contractions a bit , which I allowed to happen in order to feel the contractions so that I know when to push. Which also meant I couldn't just Stop pushing, I kept pushing with every contraction, it was only natural. I'm actively pushing and there's no doc in the room, which I really dgaf. I told the nurse I cannot and will not stop pushing...but the doc arrived in a minute or so. 

Again, she was impressed that it was all going down so fast! Now we are actively pushing to get Angelina out!

                                                             (part2) 

Almost 4 months later...

 ...And I finally have the time (and mentality) to write my blog!

                                            

  

Where do I begin??!! I'm not sure if I love this or if I'm used to it, but I do know I am In LOVE with my beautiful baby girl. So lets start from the beginning, lets take a trip to July 31st 2015 @ 3:40am....

As my husband heads out the door to work around 3 a.m., here I am still sound asleep in bed, but I'm feeling the urge to get up and pee. I lay in bed hoping my urge goes away, but nope it doesn't. I'm gathering the energy to get myself out of bed. At this point I've gained 35lbs and can barely move. As I'm rolling out of bed I feel a *Pop* inside of me. Less than a pop of a knee joint but more than a pop of a knuckle. It honestly felt like a water ballon popped inside me, the time was 3:40am. Of course I don't believe it happened, so I walk to the bathroom, because now I think I have peed myself since (since I had to go anyway), but nope! I'm not urinating, I'm leaking. Then I notice the dreaded meconuem, something I didn't want to happen, but yes, the baby pooped inside of me. The water wasn't clear, it was greenish. Oh yeah, I still haven't called my husband to tell him... lol ... 

Well, I actually pee and then call the hubby, I non-chalantly tell him, "ummm my water broke" this was just 14 minutes after he had sat at his desk. And he leaps up and races back home. In the meantime, my contractions immediately start to come two minutes apart about 40 seconds long. They slowly were intensifying but nothing too bad just yet. Oh yeah, at this point I go downstairs to wake my mom and step dad up and tell them "it's time". Unfortunately my sis, who had been here all week, happened to leave the night before. She was here a week and Angelina never came! 

I have to mention something, may be TMI but this is about my pregnancy no? Well when my water broke I had the sudden urge to poop, and poop I did! A LOT! My stool loosened up and there was no stopping it. Mother nature wanted me to clear EVERYTHING out of my body. Yeah, lets leave it there. 🏃🏻🏃🏻🚽🚽💩💩💩

As Jason arrives and we're getting ready to pack into the car, my body is shivering! I'm so nervous, at least I think it's nerves, but I'm sure it's also pregnancy stuff, and my contractions are still intense and now I'm finding myself stopping to catch my breath as they were coming on. The feeling that is a contraction I don't know how to explain, but it's definitely something that was quickly becoming painful. The time now is about 5am. 

The drive to the hospital was rather quick, I was still having contractions two minutes apart and about 60 seconds long. There really wasn't time to relax, AT ALL! But at this point I can still talk and breathe through my contractions. Everyone seems rather quite, not much craziness happening right now. 

So we arrive to the birthing center...as I step out, I grab the car door and squeeze as my contractions are squeezing my insides! Take a breath and walk in, tell security we are going to triage, and off we go!

My step dad at this point is starting to freak out, he can't see me in pain. When Lilo died and I was on the floor bawling, he left the room and went outside. Now I'm hunched over just breathing and he's about to freak out. lol. Just Jason and I go up to triage, my parents park the car and wait to hear from us. 

                     

We check in to triage at about 5:30 am...I think, may have been closer to 6, it really doesn't matter because things are getting intense now. They check me in rather quickly, and off we go!

Once we're in, yeah I have to poop again, a lot. Well I'm 3cm dilated, and the contractions are starting to make me go cross-eyed! The nurse asked me at this point (its about 6am) if I wanted an epidural as she's sweeping my membranes to get the baby to move...Well if you recall from my last post, I was happily going to go all natural. But now...change in plans! I told Jason, "F*** that hippie shit. Give me that epidural!"

                        

Well, when you ask for the epidural the doctors don't come running in to put it in you...IF HE'S BUSY HE WILL TAKE HIS TIME, plus i'd like him to his time with me. So it was now 8 am...no epidural...

                                                               (Part 1)

                           

                              

Almost there!

Well I am now about a month away so I figured I'll write before my world turns upside down! This last trimester has been on the brighter, not 100% awesome. I'm back to getting tired again, all the time! I have anemia, really low, so I'm battling that lack of energy. As well as the baby's growth spurt which will make me tired as more blood rushes to feed the baby and placenta. Growing a human isn't easy, but worth it in the end. 

Her movements are insane inside of me, even Jason is concerned about her summersalts in there and how her umblical cord moves along with her. She is also pressing on my sciatic nerve and it does hurt A LOT. She moves out of the way most of the time...but  ouch. Although I do have scoliosis my sciatic nerve hasn't bugged me since I was 20! I've also aliviated it with some Yoga and made a Pinterest heating pad (rice sack), and gotta thank Massage Envy for making it all feel better too. If you want to hook me up with a free massage, when you sign up at Massage Envy, give my name (Lissette Martinez) ;)... Pubic bone pain as well, as the baby is starting to get ready for birth, so the pelvis is openning. So many changes to the body WOW!

        

I did have a little scare last month, where we thought amniotic fluid was leaking. Can be scary because if there's  tear then I have to stay in bed rest until the baby comes. Well it was a false alarm, they said I could've just urinated on myself, I know it wasn't pee but it wasn't amnio either. They do a microscopic test and an ultrasound to make sure there's no rupture of the amnio sac....Needless to say they left me ALONE in the room with the Ultrasound machine... :) Soooooo I saw her hand, face, and her "private part" hee hee. Just making sure she's still a She. Also the baby was already in her head down birthing position, a little early but she already knows what to do.

                                        

                                        

I've been able to get the nursery straightened out with the help of my handy hubby, just doing the finishing touches. Her drawers are FULL of clothes, her closet is full as well. WOW she won't be lacking any outfits for her first year. It's all so adorable. I may have to change her every hour to be able to get her to wear all her cuttie things. :) Here's how my tiredness just takes over...anywhere, anytime!!

                                        

We've done the entire room already....

Our baby shower was amazing btw, we had a lot of fun and of course celebrating our little one was all the best! From the cake to my family (friends are family too) it was just perfect. Check it out!!!....

          

                                                

I am so excited to give birth, is that weird? Yes, I'm ready for the contractions, the water breaking, the stronger contractions, and the birthing all of it. I've moved beyond the nerves and embracing what my body will do in a month. I'm a woman, it might not be easy but it'll be so magical. Without a doubt, I'm ready. My doctor is on board with my birthing plan and the hospital is an all Women's hospita/birth center. Although a home birth sounds amazing, it's just not for me right now. I'd like to have a staff on hand if something goes wrong and the hospital isn't very close if there's an emergency. No nothing will happen, but better be safe. 

My birthing plan is a very natural one, I'll stay home until contractions are a lot closer together and no medicine unless needed. Squat bar will be used, birthing ball, massages, hot shower...music and limited interruptions in the room and anyone that doesn't belong in there stays out. Stress free, and I don't need people around me freaking out either....Planning on have up to an hour and a half of skin to skin time after the birth and not clamping the cord right away. These are things my doctor and the hospital already does so it's barely a birth plan, they don't do episiotomies, thet milk the cord, no epidural or any other meds unless mother wants it...its great! Of course all this depends on the day of. But I am one with my body and this incredible process it's about to embark on. 

               

On to the next Trimester

…Has been a dream. The second trimester has been the complete opposite from the first tri. At this point I’m in love with my changing body and the baby growing in me. My little human is slowing growing and becoming more visible every week, (or so I think). Only one new pregnancy symptom has arised this trimester, round ligament pain, only for the first two weeks of my second trimester.

Round ligament pain is felt as the uterus stretches to allow room for the baby, it can vary on a scale for many women, for me it was extremely painful. At first a dull pain starting at my left hip, which radiated down my leg. Slowly it grew to something that felt like a powerful menstrual cramp which hugged my groin to my lower back and I could not find a position in which to get comfortable. Then I began to feel nauseous and weak, terrifying thoughts raced through my mind (a miscarriage) fearing the worse I called my OB, who without skipping a beat told me what was happening to my body. The dull to sharp pain lingered for about 20 minutes, which once it all went away, I fell asleep. May have been the stress of it or just the pregnancy but I just fell asleep.

The pain came back the next day at the same exact time, same intensity, only this time I was able to find the perfect position to feel better, only side, opposite of the pain…yes It smoothly went away and no this time I didn't fall asleep but I was so relieved I was able to make it go away. The “growing pains” have been on and off through the last few weeks, nothing as bad as that first time, but I know its just stretching and not contractions.

Phew, as I type tonight I have my phone playing music for my little bundle of joy, I feel that it’ll help soothe and get the baby ready for bed. Just a little method I’ve been told to try to get the baby in to the habit of bed time, why you ask?…Ever since the baby started kicking (or me feeling it) the kickboxing workouts begin when I’m ready for bed. As I'm winding down, watching my late night tv, it’s non-stop movement in my belly…during the day, NOTHING! Basically sleeps all day until about 2PM. Well right now it’s 10PM and the Zumba classes have begun. 3am, yup she's kicking up a storm....I usually eat right before bed to help with the lack of food for the next 8 hours.

There's been a few days where I just have zero energy. I've had to just take it easy, sleep all day, and force myself to eat. Don't know the reason why, but growing a human can have something to do with it. Belly button is starting to poke out, and I wear support around my belly to help prevent Diastasis of the abdomen.  Not being vain but it does hurt without some support, I can feel my abdomen spreading apart and an umbilical hernia feeling as well. Wearing support during my workouts helps the most, along with kinesiotape and then post-baby I'll wear as well to help bounce back.  My feet still look and feel normal, back is starting to ache, but nothing more.

 I still a few weeks in my 2nd tri, but I can't wait to meet my baby girl!!!!.... We also went on our Baby moon to Vegas! We just love it there...maybe we'll go one more time before the baby comes ;)

Stayed at the Encore, partied at the Encore! When David Guetta is there, where else do we go?

We wanted breakfast at Mandalay Bay! So we hurried! 

Just a snap shot with Mojito on the strip! 

Parents to be!

Mojito in the Sports Book, waiting for the game.

Our fav! Michael Mina duck fat fries! 

Little Miss First Trimester

My last blog post I must admit was a bit heartbreaking, but it's me.

Now lets talk First trimester...I'm not discovering the wheel here, we all go through it differently, but it happens.

First belly pic, once I found out. 

             First, keeping my mouth shut (about being pregnant has been a challenge?)!  I had a feeling things were changing within me even before having a positive test.

           The first physical change most women experience is a change in their cup size, yes....Boobs! Lets just say as I was working out and doing a few burpees, when the shooting/throbbing pain that was coming from them stopped me in the middle of my workout. I immediately became suspicious, but I wasn't late, yet. Fast forward to the day I find out, and WOW now we can't tell anyone.

            No reason, just superstitions, many things can happen before the baby reaches 13 weeks and I did not want to get anyone excited (mostly the grandparents) for then a miscarriage to happen or even just a false pregnancy. Mommy and Daddy knew, but no one else. Also we're getting married in a week, in Cancun! Where we planned to enjoy the ever flowing booze and food as many do when they go to Cancun, so we wanted the focus to be our wedding, not a possible baby on the way. Up to this point I still feel great, also I'm excited as I'm on my way to Cancun!

You may now kiss the bride! Although we kissed as soon as we me at the alter! :) 

            Ahhhh, the loveliness of being 7 weeks pregnant and the non stop feeling of a hangover. That's how I would describe it...that hangover you once got that made you realize you will never drink again. There's no "hair of the dog" I can do for this hangover, just maybe drinking some Gingerale and moving one with my day. Gingerale, Ginger beer, Ginger candy, Ginger chews all became my best friends along with soda crackers (the Cuban kind) and Mac' n Cheese. That's all I was able to stomach for the next 6 weeks.

           I'd wake up and already felt low on my energy (anemia). I'd eat a little breakfast which consisted of a full glass of OJ (another craving) and some toast or some kind of carb. Then I'd fall asleep, wherever. It did not matter that I woke up an hour ago, if I sat somewhere I just fell asleep. My eyes would close and I could not control it. Wake up an hour or two later, eat Mac' n Cheese with crackers and a Coca Cola (Yup I had not drank Cola in years but now it was normal), I felt like I needed the Cola, my blood sugar and blood pressure would drop so suddenly that I would run to grab one.

       After that fall asleep again...I just could not help it. I'm blessed in having my own business and I decide when I work or in this case when I actually have enough energy to work and won't vomit in front of a client. So when I did work, it was great because I have fun teaching my girls.  I didn't really vomit much, but I did, just part of the package I guess. First time using a barf bag on an airplane, that was interesting. The morning sickness was all day and all of the rest of the first trimester, I'm actually getting a little queasy writing this thinking about it.

       So what else is happening to me you ask? Oh just saddle bags, cellulite, love handles, pimples, new cup size. My face looked like a teenagers on some mornings, crazy! The beauty of all this is that no one except my hubby knew yet! And here I am trying to be as normal as possible! In Cancún, I had to pretend to drink (alcohol), eat sushi, "Why is Liz eating Mac n Cheese and so unhealthy?" I just could not eat anything clean, healthy, or that was not covered in cheese or fat! I could not, lol. As my OB said, "It's natures way of keeping us away from food boorne illness." Makes sense, salads can be full of e-coli and other things that would be so harmful to our babies if not properly washed.

       My first ultrasound was the most amazing thing I'd ever seen. It was so amazing, the picture that made it all real, all worth while, it made the sickness all better. Just put a smile on my face as I knew at that moment, the little ball of joy in me would soon have my heart forever.